Learning to say "No" — Spotify from the CEC Library

Learning to say no is a very interesting subject, because the difficulty we have is precisely this: setting boundaries with others, saying no when we need to, because of everything we are. The first email received says the following: "Moisés Esagüi, I confess that, as I listened to the things he says, on the one hand I gradually gained enlightenment, but on the other hand I found things increasingly difficult. I have a great deal of difficulty when I need to assert myself with another person by saying something that may not be very pleasant for them to hear. So I end up saying what is easier, although what is easier is not always best for me."

The person continues: "I have received work-related proposals, for example, in which I would have had to do things I did not consider ethical. In that respect, I have no difficulty at all asserting myself and expressing my opinion; I cannot do anything that is wrong. However, in family situations, I face great difficulty. The other day, a distant relative came to visit me and offered to stay at my home for a few days. I did not want that, but how could I say so? Would I be lacking in understanding? Could it be that I was not seeing one side or the other? How can I know how far I should think about myself and how far I should think about the other person?"

Let us begin at the start of the email, where you say that, when something is unethical, you can say no because you cannot do anything wrong. You state that when things are clear to you, you can say no. When something is very clear within you, you can assert yourself. This happens with most people: when something is very clear, the person really can assert themselves.

Now you are talking about your relative, correct? A distant relative who suddenly invited himself to stay at your home. How will you tell him that you would not like him to stay? That is not very clear. What will you say? Will you make up a flimsy excuse? What will you do? I think we should reveal our feelings. In the case you mention, you are saying that you cannot express your feelings by saying, "Look, I really would not like you to stay at my home." Then you think, "But he will be very upset." Yet you can explain why you do not want him to stay. You do not need to blame him; you can say that the reason is yours.

You can tell him you do not want him to stay because you want to be alone. You say, "Look, unfortunately I want to be alone right now. I really think it would be very good for you to stay here, but I would not like you to stay because I want to be alone. It is not you, it is me." There, it is over. He will not be offended if you want to be alone; he will be offended if you say you do not want him there. That is another story. But learn this, because it is a way of dealing with the other person elegantly and honestly, since that is really what you are thinking. You probably have your reasons; you can reveal them, and the other person will see that you are sincere.

The person invites himself, although he does not want to know whether you will accept; he invites himself and is already coming in. You can stop him because that is not what you want and, besides, the house is yours. I think it is very important to say no when you want to say no, because what happens is that the next step will be to feel angry at yourself, become frustrated by your own lack of competence, become very upset, and then generate more anger. This anger will be projected into the environment, reflecting what you were unable to resolve. That is not a good idea; it is also a reason for you to speak.

This has happened to me, when someone asked for something and I said, "Look, I want to say no to you, but I am having a great deal of difficulty. So I am going to explain why I want to say no. If I do not say no to you, I will be very upset with myself." Because I do not want that to happen; I do not want to do this. So that I do not feel bad and the situation we are discussing does not become bad for both of us, I prefer to tell you that it is not a good idea. And then you say no. No has been said. The person will understand.

What we cannot do is think that when you say no to someone, you are saying you do not like them; that is confusing. You say no to one thing, and the person immediately assumes it is about them, shrinks back, makes a victim's face, and unconsciously thinks they are not wanted. It does not work that way. You can say no when you want and you can also say yes when you want; both must be possible.

Obviously, saying yes is much easier than saying no. There are technical rules and personality characteristics, because you can observe a person and know who they are. If you know who the person is, you know the best way to tell them what you think. Although we are talking about no, you will have difficulty expressing your opinion to someone, will you not? Mainly because offering an opinion can become a direct confrontation. You say one thing and the person responds with another.

I will tell you about a situation that was very funny. I was wearing a sweater I had been given, it was cold, and a friend came over to me and said, "What a beautiful sweater, may I touch it?" I answered, "No." She repeated the "no," but the tone was different, which made the situation funny. I explained that the "no" I said, repeated three or four times, was only a "no," with no other meaning. I said it while laughing, and she laughed too.

But we need to say this because otherwise it gives the impression that, by saying something, we are confronting the person and taking away their right, and they will react. It is not appropriate to confront someone. We should talk about the situation, not about the other person or the other person's ego. This happens because, for lack of guidance and education, we think that everything said to us is about us.

The more emotional charge you accumulate throughout life—emotional difficulties, neediness, anger, hurt, grudges, and lack of affection—the more your perception of your surroundings and circumstances diminishes. Your mood becomes highly variable or negative. Take someone who has worked through their issues; their mood is clear, and they can say things without difficulty. Even issues you imagine would be very difficult for you, that person expresses without any kind of difficulty. This is important: the freer you are from yourself, the easier it will be to do anything.

Explain situations and give your opinion without fear, because people often think they are going against the other person's opinion. The other person has their opinion; if you express yours, you are not necessarily opposed to it. That is not how it works. Everyone has the right to their opinion. However, some people want to dominate, subjugate the other person, and say, "No, I am right, and that is final." We are only talking.

Talking is something we need to learn. It is not so simple; we speak by changing our voice, trying to make the other person hear exactly what we say, but that does not work. The work I have been developing is sincere—those who know me personally know this. The person continues in the email: "Many of the things you talk about are unfamiliar to me, and I am learning little by little. One of them is how the spiritual dimension accompanies the emotional dimension; when I noticed this in your content, I found it very interesting. I am taking advantage of the email to ask that, if possible, you comment on your program about the situation of people who have difficulty relating to others, who cannot assert themselves, say what they think, and say the yes and no they would like to say. What implications does this behavior have for them in the spiritual sphere?"

That is excellent! Our behavior has everything to do with the spiritual aspect. I always say this because we want to be happier by doing spiritual things and forget that we are our own heirs. If that were not so, it would make no sense to talk about free will and reincarnation. You do not come here to keep asking someone to help you, do you? That is absolute neediness and a great lack of initiative. We say, "God help me, Christ help me, Buddha help me, the saints help me." Everyone must help you, but you do not move to do anything.

Personally, you may question me, but this is how it is: you are responsible for yourself. Our path of evolution is individual. You may say, "But what about the group?" Yes, you evolve. Others who are working evolve and, in the end, everyone evolves, but no one has to carry anyone else. We can lend a hand, offer enlightenment, and help, but we cannot carry the other person.

What you do is important. Think about this: your attitudes have a direct impact on the spiritual world. If you want things to flow and improve, you will have to deal with issues that are complicated for human beings, especially relationships, which are how we tend to evolve. Relationships include yes and no; it is not only one or the other. There is a middle ground, there is conversation, there are words. We have hundreds of terms that can be used to talk with someone and explain a situation. No one needs to arrive and say only "no"; there are a million ways to say no.

In fact, it is a matter of rhetoric, clarity of thought, being well with oneself, speaking without an emotional charge, and good humor. You may ask, "How can yes or no have a spiritual influence?" If you cannot say no to a person, you also cannot say no to spiritual harassment. Think about that. If you have an extremely harassed, ill-tempered, angry person who comes at you with their entire burden and you cannot say no because you are afraid of them, you are saying yes to the entire bad crowd beside them. This is something to be learned. Imagine what you can do with a simple no.

You can free yourself from feeling very unwell, having a headache, being ill-tempered, experiencing back pain, and developing many somatizations, because all you need to do is say no. This is serious; we need to face it, but we have not learned to say no. What we learned was to lower our heads and say yes to avoid confrontations and avoid doing things we fear will generate something bad. That is how it is.

Is there a spiritual implication? Yes. This implication does not end at the moment when you need to say no. Your life and things continue, but you cannot say no. This becomes clear to the spiritual world: you are a person who easily loses energy whenever they want. The spiritual world has more needy, uninformed people, ignorant consciousnesses and spirits than we can imagine. Imagine the line of spirits waiting to reincarnate here. On Earth we have almost 7 billion inhabitants. Imagine the other side: a multitude. Consider the population of Earth.

You are a psychoanalyst—you will understand; you work with people. Observe Earth's population and the number of individuals with emotional difficulties. According to my statistics, between 80% and 85% of the world's population has emotional difficulties, some visible and others not. Therefore, a smaller percentage of people have fewer difficulties.