How to Improve Self-Esteem — Spotify from the CEC Library

I have been dating for four years, and our relationship is not good. He is aggressive and bossy, and I merely obey. I am his shadow. I never decide anything: the restaurant, the food, the outing—he always decides everything. He even says that I am useless, that I never help him decide things, but I cannot decide. I am afraid that my choice will not please him. I am completely erased as a person and do not have the courage to separate, despite wanting to do so. I need help.

You are talking about a dysfunctional relationship. I will be honest: I do not see the fault as his alone. You are not participating in this relationship either. To participate, you will need to express your feelings. You have great difficulty saying something and report that you cannot decide. You are afraid of not pleasing the other person; that is already a difficulty. Whether you make a choice or not, you do not please him, because he complains. So it is better for you to begin making choices. Gather your courage and speak calmly; do not speak in an agitated manner, but begin taking a position. Take a position calmly and speak. May I express my opinion? Then you express it.

If he says that you cannot speak, then he is saying you cannot express your opinion, but afterward he complains that you do not give it. I cannot understand that; you can say this to him. This does not mean that you should stop, however: you will continue insisting, that is, you will continue giving your opinion calmly. Your tone of voice should be appropriate and unchanged, and your pace should also be calm. Think about what you are saying so you express exactly what you feel.

This relationship cannot be a competition; you cannot want to defeat the other person or show that you are better or have better ideas, because then you will make the mistake he already makes. Simply take a position; regardless of his reaction, you continue taking a position, and at some point he will begin asking for your opinion. This may be a path, but at this moment your relationship is not healthy. We cannot live with someone in a relationship where only the other side exists and we do not. This is not a happy relationship.

If you have other difficulties, it is because you probably have difficulty with authority figures. This is a difficulty many people have because our father or mother fought with us a great deal, shouted at us, and did that sort of thing. So perhaps it would be a good idea to go to therapy and seek help from a professional so you can better understand why you are this way, why you cannot express yourself. Every time you try to express yourself, you feel that doing so is a threat; it seems you will take the other person's place, invade them, and they will react against you. It is not simply an exchange: one person says what they want, and you say what you want.

Perhaps you notice this when you are about to greet people—good morning, good afternoon, good evening. When you begin a relationship with someone and this relationship requires you to take action, you need to observe your level of difficulty, because someone who has difficulty with authority figures often also has difficulty entering a conversation, joining a group, and even expressing themselves individually with another person. This can even happen with your husband. If you have this difficulty, it is good to examine how you formed this relationship, because it is not healthy. It is unhealthy to be unable to approach a wife, a female partner, a husband, or a friend and speak frankly and openly.

One of the important things in a human being's life is expressing oneself with complete freedom. If you need to control yourself in order to speak, if you have to keep thinking about what you will say to find the best paths, then you will not be well. You state that you are completely erased as a person and do not have the courage to separate. I do not know whether you should separate, but initially you need to review yourself and take a position in this relationship. If this initial position does not work afterward, then you can say, "Well, I will have to separate because there is no other way." In this way, you follow a path better suited to you, a path of common sense. It is not a rule; it is only common sense.

I wanted to know whether therapy could help me improve my self-esteem. Ever since I was little, I have suffered because I consider myself inferior to other people. Everyone is better than I am: more intelligent, more interesting, and so on. I am never anything. When I get a boyfriend, it is a drama because I think he will leave me at any moment if he meets someone more interesting, and I think every woman who passes near us is interesting. Because of my insecurity, I end up driving my boyfriends away. Would therapy help?

You are looking toward a solution. When we cannot handle our emotional difficulties and self-esteem is a serious matter, we suffer greatly in our relationship with another person. We always feel inferior and always feel that we have nothing to offer. If anyone near you is aggressive, they make you feel deeply inferior and devalued. Thus, it becomes very easy for someone to disparage you by saying something, because everything seems bad to you. The person only needs to mention a point with which you have difficulty, and they immediately knock you down.

It is a good idea to seek resources to leave this process of low self-esteem. This occurs because it is a result of your upbringing and living with people who probably had the same difficulty. Our parents often had neither information nor education; when you are raised by well-educated people, you acquire internal resources for dealing with the movements of the ego. When you do not have these resources, you always feel inferior and cannot organize what is essential to life: thoughts, feelings, and internal structure.

Our psychic structure lacks the strength to handle the environment, much less our ego and ourselves. Perhaps it would be a good idea to seek help, because therapy can be useful, although it depends on the approach chosen. Psychology offers countless therapeutic approaches. Cognitive therapy is ordinarily considered faster, while psychoanalysis explores issues that may be repressed in the basement of consciousness, working to eliminate delayed effects planted in the person's life, which may improve their well-being. Therefore, it will be necessary to choose the most appropriate approach.

I am the aunt of two children ages 3 and 7 who were orphaned, and I began caring for them. They are shy, withdrawn children, and I would like to know how to raise them so they develop high self-esteem and feel important. I know it is still possible to do something for them, but I do not know what to do. Could you guide me? One of the things you can begin doing with these children is talking to them a great deal. You need to take an assertive and calm position. I consider it very important, in a relationship with another person, to speak clearly and appropriately, without mood fluctuations and, above all, to say clearly what you mean.

It is always good to think about what we are doing and saying so the other person understands clearly. It is important for the children to know that "yes" means yes and "no" means no. They also need to understand why. You can be clear without becoming agitated or adopting nervous or aggressive attitudes. This will be fundamental to raising these children in a healthy way.

You can talk to each person, because a good education consists of extensive dialogue with others. Do not keep hiding yourself, do not defend yourself excessively, and do not be afraid to show your difficulties. It is important to talk about everything so others know that you are also a human being. Otherwise, you end up isolating yourself, and the other person thinks they are always wrong because they are imperfect. Therefore, maintain plenty of dialogue and conversation, talk about your life, and tell them what happened, because in this way they will have more contact with you.

When you tell a child something, it serves as an example. You can say, "I did this; when I was studying, I did that." The child will assimilate all of this, but you are doing something more important: enabling the child to participate in your life. A person needs to be welcomed and feel that they participate in the other person's life. You are the aunt of two children; make that clear, showing that you love them and will do the best you can. Also make it clear that, if they experience any difficulty, they can speak to you without fear. Do not let the situation unfold freely; you need to guide them clearly about what is right and wrong.

I have a problem: I can never tell people what I think or how I feel because I always believe these things are not important. When someone talks about a subject, I may even know how to discuss it, but I do not speak for fear of making a mistake or of people disagreeing with me. I feel very distressed about being this way, but I do not know what to do to act differently. I would like your opinion.

This concerns self-esteem. When we have low self-esteem, we allow the other person to be our judge. The other person will always assess us. If you say anything, they may say it is nonsense or something like that. The first thing to consider is that you should be your own judge, not the other person. If you allow the other person to be your judge, you will do nothing because you will be afraid of everything. Therefore, be your own judge, speak appropriately, and express your ideas and feelings without fear that the other person will criticize them as nonsense.

Each of us has the right and freedom to put our thoughts and feelings on the table, although the other person may not like them. It is all right if the other person does not like them. You will not like everything the other person says either, right? There is only one difference: you may not say so. The other person says something, and you reply, "I did not like it." Within you arises the impression that it is something silly, but you do not express it.

I do not think that when expressing ourselves we should be aggressive; we should speak appropriately. If someone expresses a thought, you can say, "Look, it was good that you shared your thought, but I disagree; I think differently." Saying what you think makes the conversation much more coherent and constitutes a polite way of speaking. Some people begin speaking by cursing, belittling, and disparaging everything. That is not a good idea. In fact, if someone does this, you can confront them by asking, "Why are you disparaging me?" They will have to explain the reason, because they may not have noticed it. Therefore, if you have difficulty expressing what you think to people, begin speaking calmly and appropriately, without fear of assessment. Become your own judge.