Submission in a Relationship — Spotify from the CEC Library

The question raised is this: what "subjugating someone" means in a romantic relationship. She knows the literal meaning of the word but would like a deeper enlightenment. Subjugating another person is actually a matter of domination. The person trying to make the other submit uses this as a defense mechanism to feel more secure. If the other person is beneath them, they will be able to control everything that happens and will not run the risk of something unexpected happening. It is therefore important to understand that submission is not merely an act of explicit aggression. For example, the person begins speaking very loudly and you shrink back, or they display aggressive intent and you also shrink back, becoming passive.

Through gestures, attitudes, words, and what they say, the person gradually occupies the entire space in the environment, and everyone else is made to submit to what they say. This is one form, but there are other ways someone can make us submit, and they can be very subtle. For example, you say something to someone and that person begins to cry; you then feel guilty and compelled to back down emotionally, without realizing that you are already being manipulated. There are also terrible statements such as "look what you did to me," which can destroy the entire environment, especially if other people are nearby.

When someone says, "Wow, you made me very afraid; I am very afraid of you," and you feel compelled to back down, you are being subjected to an emotional maneuver that is important to understand so that you are not manipulated. Children commonly do this to people. For example, when a child confronts the father assertively, the father often refuses and gives the child no room. As a result, the child needs to seek other paths, and one of those paths is to retreat into a posture of victimization.

The father has just become the tormentor, the villain of the story, but he has done this to his own child, the being he brought into the world. He is therefore destroying himself because he placed this being in the world, who is now victimized by him, and finds himself compelled, consciously or unconsciously, to reconsider his position. This fills him with guilt and constitutes a true process of submission.

It is impossible to feel guilt in a situation like this without feeling submissive to the other person's firepower, which consists precisely of the emotional maneuvers they can make. Submitting means becoming vulnerable, remaining beneath the other person, becoming passive, and apparently lacking the ability to react. Making another person submit has emotional and physical dimensions, including physical coercion. When we recall the history of Hitler, who spoke in a forceful tone, he would stand before a mirror and practice his gestures and voice. He created an entire choreography in which others watched him and said, "This man knows what he is doing." That was not all; he did everything to impress people and used force, ordering the elimination of those who opposed him.

There is something very interesting about a German man, whose name I will not reveal, who made a great effort when he noticed Hitler's movement. He saw that Hitler was ordering people to be killed, many of whom were innocent, and recognized the power to make another person submit. Hitler was an extremely fearful and cowardly person, with absolute certainty. Only someone with an intense level of fear could have created all the weaponry he developed. To survive, he destroyed those who opposed him.

That is what dictators do: they order killings and invent rules and laws so people cannot move. We have examples of these situations today, and they are very clear. One only needs to be willing to see them. It is a matter of subjugating others through physical force and also emotional power, which may be fear, seduction, or mass hypnosis, but it is subjugation.

Trying to make a partner submit comes from an intense fear of losing them. This is not a one-to-many relationship, but one-to-one. If someone fears losing the other person because of countless forms of neediness, insecurity, and everything else, they begin using emotional maneuvers so the other person remains immobilized and, above all, dependent. This is not a good idea because, in a romantic situation where you impose yourself on the other person and take away their freedom, things will eventually end. A romantic relationship should have affection, goodwill, understanding, and respect for the other person.

The other person will make mistakes and do things that are not good, but they must be accepted and loved. This cannot be decreed; we must learn to understand life and its meaning and know ourselves in order to follow the best path with those around us and with our ego. When someone tries to make the other person submit in a romantic relationship, it begins with certain behaviors. They usually create scenes. Jealousy, for example, is a very serious show. Some people prevent the other person from picking up the phone, already controlling them and exerting emotional pressure. This is truly serious.

The other person cannot wear certain clothing. "Why did you put that on? Tell me. Why did you wear that perfume? Are you not going out with your friends? Why did you do that?" In other words, the person is creating a situation of pressure in the environment and, worst of all, taking away the other person's life. This is terrible; you are taking away the other person's life. Beyond being an emotional process, it is a spiritual one.

As the other person gives in to these impositions, they also become ill. That is why many people reach the end of life in a state of complete physical immobility. This is very serious. As a psychoanalyst, I have treated cases in which the situation is like this: the person does everything they should not do to the other; then the other person enters a terrible state of illness, and the first blames them for their unhappiness. This continues until the person understands that we create illness, because this is true: you create your happiness, your joy, and your sadness. When you treat another person this way within a romantic relationship, you cause considerable harm to yourself and to them.

We can find many paths for making another person submit. Jealousy is one, mood swings are another, and becoming ill is yet another. In this way, you make the person care for you. We can identify countless paths. Do you know what is good in life? Being sincere with the other person, speaking clearly and, above all, allowing the person to be themselves. If you want the other person to be what you are, you are not relating to the other person, but only to yourself.

We are talking about the most common behaviors: aggressive and passive. These behaviors occur in degrees; no one is 100% aggressive or 100% passive. There are, however, different levels of passivity and aggression. In relationships, both people are usually aggressive, both are passive, or one is passive and the other aggressive. Assertive people tend not to become involved with aggressive or passive individuals and distance themselves from them. When an aggressive person tries to dominate an assertive person's space, the assertive person ultimately leaves the relationship because they cannot tolerate this unhealthy situation.

Imagine a couple in which the wife says, "Honey, I am taking a vacation. I will be away for a week and will go to the beach. What do you think?" The husband responds aggressively, accusing her of having already found someone else and of abandoning him. He says he does not accept the situation and had already suspected it. The other person, stressed and tired, only wants a period of rest, but cannot be away from her partner because they live together.

True. She can indeed rest. I think that is a relationship: no one owns anyone; we need to be aware of that. Notice how the simplest situations become the most complicated. The assertive person simply states their position without any charge, while the other always expresses themselves with emotional charges—domination, anger, jealousy, control of the environment, and mood swings. The assertive person will not be able to live in an environment like this; they will say, "Look, I am sorry, but I do not believe we can live together." Not everyone has clarity about the other person's behavior, but those who are assertive and have this clarity will call it out.

The assertive person calls out the situation. They call out themselves and the other person—that is an assertive characteristic. If someone begins shouting in the environment, the assertive person will say, "You are shouting." More than that, they will add, "You are shouting and creating an environment that is unbearable for me; I am not staying here." They will speak up, and that is extremely important.