Family Relationships — Spotify from the CEC Library

Is jealousy between a father and son normal? I am jealous of my son's relationship with my wife, and he also feels jealous of me when I give attention to my wife. He is five years old. Does this pass with time, or does it only get worse? If your son is 17 years old and feels jealous of your relationship with your wife, the situation becomes even more complicated. You are referring to the Oedipal stage, the transition in which the son seeks the reference points necessary for his life. What are these reference points? The man and the woman, the father and the mother, who are the first models we have. And if there is no father? He will seek another male figure because this figure is important to his internal configuration, to constitute the inner man, the inner father, and the inner mother. This is fundamental.

At age five, he is going through this period of definition, between ages five and six. If he is male, he seeks the company of the woman. The mother is a child's first contact, for both a boy and a girl. It is the contact with the breast, the embrace, comfort, welcome, affection, and kiss. Every touch a mother gives a child is very important because she can express it with affection and feeling, and the child assimilates that. During this phase, he should look at his mother while making the transition between mother and woman, and he already realizes that he is male.

He wants this place for himself. As a result, he will feel jealous of the father. The mother stays with him during the day, embraces him, feeds him, and gives her son attention. When night comes, she goes to sleep with the father, which complicates the situation. The boy speaks but feels rejected at that moment and will feel somewhat jealous.

Now, one must observe: if you are also feeling jealous of the attention your wife gives your son, that can happen. I think it is a matter of understanding; it usually passes. Parents can help their son move through this phase calmly and, above all, by organizing themselves. To do so, he needs to know certain things. First, he needs to know that you are the husband, that you are the father, and that you have a place. This place needs to be well defined for him, as does the mother's. She is a woman, mother, and wife. This needs to be defined for the son and reaffirmed so that he understands that this is how it is.

You can rely on your mother, who is a woman but is your mother; she is someone who will guide you, support you, and follow a path of welcome and affection in your life. This needs to be clear to him, and the same applies to you as the father. Thus, we sometimes say, "No, I am a father, but I am also a best friend." Do not confuse things because you will confuse your son. He is the son, understood? The role of father includes affection, welcome, guidance, and everything needed for a son to develop calmly and well. You have to know exactly what this means in order to convey it to him.

When you say yes, it has to be a genuine yes; when you say no, it has to be no, and that is final. No guilt, no contradictory feelings. Your son has to know exactly: this is my father, this is my mother. One day, he will be grateful for this because he will say, "My father was a very coherent person, took a position, and guided me very well, and so did my mother." The mother, therefore, is not the woman. He cannot see his mother as a woman because, if he does, he is failing to resolve within himself the issues he needs to resolve.

This passes, but you need to take a position and talk to your wife so that he can follow the best path, leave this story behind, and reach adulthood or adolescence calmly and well-adjusted, aware that he has a mother who loves him, stays close to him, guides him, and takes a position; she is not someone who yields to her son's whims and manipulation but can say no to him from the proper position of a mother, and the father should act in the same way.

You do not need to worry because the impression given by describing jealousy between father and son is that you place yourself on equal footing with him. He is a five-year-old boy, while the father is already an adult. It is important to recognize that this is a phase of life that passes, but as parents, we should take a coherent position and, if necessary, seek guidance from professionals in psychology, behavior, or psychoanalysis, specialists who work with children and know the context of childhood. They can guide you well if you believe it is necessary. But this phase passes. You do not think that, at age 15, your son will compete with you because of your wife. Do not think that way; this is only a phase.

Next question: my relationship with my husband is always very explosive. The other day, I realized that we live in competition with each other, arguing and fighting over silly things. I like him very much and intend to undergo couples therapy to help us understand each other better. How should I approach this with him? I am afraid that he will not agree. If I undergo therapy alone, will it help?

You truly want to resolve an issue that is very important in everyone's life. Relationships are fundamental to our growth; I think this is a planet of relationships and that we came here to evolve through them. Reflect on this, and you will see that it is true: everything that exists on this planet is relationship. First, one must deal with one's internal relationship—that is, with oneself—overcoming conflicts, which is an arduous task. Then we can relate to the other person, who is outside us, which is also not easy.

If he does not agree, the first step is to talk to him calmly. We often make demands of the other person and try to impose what we think is right; we are always dealing with emotional charges and a great deal of tension. This is how we relate. If we reflect, it is difficult to find people who relate without emotional charges, who relate calmly, say what they need to say, listen to the other person, and work on the relationship. Sometimes the other person is right.

That is all right; do not impose a point of view. You can approach this calmly with your husband as a suggestion, saying that it is an idea. Say that you have noticed that you live in competition with each other; you may be mistaken, but ask whether he thinks the same thing. Even if you argue over silly things, that is all right. Say that you like him very much and that you therefore need to find a solution.

Perhaps one solution would be to ask someone to guide you because there are things we do not know, that I do not know, that you do not know; no one knows everything. During this conversation, you can suggest: "What do you think about undergoing therapy, at least for a while, so that we can understand each of us, understand each other better, and put an end to these silly disagreements?" Some things really are very silly and can be resolved. Approach it in this way, calmly. If, for example, he says no, that he does not want to do it, that is all right.

If you do not want to do it, there is no problem; I will do it because I want to improve our relationship. I will make an effort to see what gains we can achieve and say that I like you very much because that is important. If I undergo therapy alone, will it help? I think it always helps. Perhaps you will not reach the ideal, but remember that couples therapy also depends on each person's willingness to work on becoming better. A person may undergo therapy without wanting to change anything. Many people undergo therapy merely to say that they are doing it.

You need to undergo therapy and say: "I want to be better, repair myself, expose myself, and make internal adjustments." That is sincere, and then you will achieve results. Some people seek this type of work and manage to change many things internally. In this way, you will have a better relationship with your husband. Perhaps you think about reaching the ideal, but does that correspond to what I want? I do not think one should think that way because otherwise, an expectation is created that may not be healthy. When we state that we must reach a certain point and fail to do so, a problem called frustration arises. Frustration immediately generates anger, and that is not good. Write this down: in most people, frustration generates anger. Thus, another problem arises.

You should not say that you will achieve the ideal result; the objective is to achieve the best possible result. I think that is a path. There is an important detail: if you begin therapy and make changes in yourself, your relationship with him will also change. Most of the time, we argue with the other person over trivial issues and follow the same wave, creating a current of misfortune, adversity, unhappiness, and conflict. For example, two people argue at home; a third arrives and the argument continues, then a fourth, forming an endless current of fighting until someone interrupts this cycle. In your relationship with your husband, you can interrupt this current before it begins.

You can even say to him: "We are beginning to argue; let us stop talking now, calm down, and talk later." Even if he insists, because sometimes the person says that they want to resolve it, we are not in a condition to do so. You are agitated, and I will become agitated as well, and we will resolve nothing. If we want to resolve it, we need to be calm. I think it is important that you recognize this. If you want to unload on him, you will enter the argument; if you want to repair things, you will have to free yourself from these emotional charges, which is not so simple.

But yes, undergoing therapy is a good idea so that you can achieve the best results in your life. It is an important relationship. When you manage to resolve your internal context, you will certainly reflect this in the external environment; have no doubt.

I am living through a family crisis. After my mother died, my father came from Bahia to live with me. My husband never liked the idea very much but accepted it because my father had nowhere to go and is already quite old (78 years old). My father is very bossy and, after a few months, began to show his true colors. Now, suddenly, he and my husband are arguing. Things are becoming difficult. I confess that my family became unsettled after he moved into the house, but I feel guilty just thinking about it. Things are not going well, and I do not know what to do. Could you give me some advice?

You are giving me an immense responsibility. In a relationship between two people, one always affects the other. Sometimes, a couple that shares many things has differences, and those differences affect both. At certain times, these differences manifest more intensely. Managing two people requires common sense, discernment, and rationality. There are several points that can be considered.

When you have one child, the relationship already changes; if there is another child, bringing the total to four people in the home, the dynamic changes again, and you may wonder why this happens. If attention is directed only toward the husband, that is one situation; if it also includes one child, it becomes another; and if attention must be divided between the husband and two children, it is distributed among three people, which already creates difficulties. You pay more attention to my brother, or talk only to the father, while the father talks and you care for the child, and in this way, the situation becomes increasingly complicated.

I do not know how many children you have because you do not mention them here. You mention your 78-year-old father; a father is a father. Your husband is not in much of a position to compete because your father is the one who gave you life. I think that, although it seems difficult, the first thing to do is sit down with him and talk. Whether or not he is your father does not matter; gather everyone in the living room and say that you need to speak. Say to your father: "This house…" State your husband's name, your own name, and the names of your children. Put it this way: "This household constitutes our family."

You are here at this time, and we are very happy to have you. However, you are interfering with the harmony of our home, which is unacceptable to us. Especially to me, since you are the daughter, you can speak freely; your husband cannot speak because that would create a confrontation. You can speak, but calmly, with an appropriate tone of voice and confidence. You cannot speak with anger, agitation, emotional charges, or guilt. If you need to talk to your father, do so assertively and calmly. Communication should be assertive and calm.

Tell him: "Look, Dad, this is how it is: I do not know what to do, but you certainly cannot disrupt my life. Either you help, or you really will not be able to stay here in the house; I do not know what we are going to do, but you will not be able to stay here with us. Why? Because my husband is here, he is someone I love very much, and so are my children; this is my family, and you are disrupting it. I would therefore like you to know that you are my father, but if you are my father, you will have to respect everything I have built."

This is important because it is a way of putting a stop to him. But if he begins shouting, he is already departing from what I consider correct. If he continues this way, it will not work. My husband is right; I am on his side. Yes, you can take your husband's side. Your father should take the following position: he is not in his own home, so he should show respect because he is receiving a favor. When someone welcomes us, we should respect the rules of the home. The home has rules, and he does not dictate them; you and your husband established the rules.

The story ends there. "No, but I am your father." "Yes, you are my father. But once I established my family, I no longer have to answer to you." You are no longer dependent on him, are you? He is therefore dependent on you and will have to respect you.

I think it is extremely important for you to take a position. If he says that he will continue this way, say: "Then, Dad, we will look for a place where you can stay, a nursing home or something similar, but you will not stay here." You have to be firm. If he begins maneuvering or saying that you are his daughter, remember that although I am your daughter, you must respect me; you are not showing me respect, are you? You already have children, goodness. You have established a family. Therefore, this institution, as you established it, must be respected. That is final.