Why do we become dependent? — Spotify from the CEC Library

Today's topic is why we become dependent. The idea of our evolution is precisely to become absolutely free. In truth, we human beings operate in the opposite way: instead of seeking freedom, we try to subjugate the other person. The issue of being dependent is important; we need to pay attention because this will allow us to leave behind the worst processes, which are processes of fear. A person becomes dependent because of fear. Therefore, if we can see this clearly, things change.

If you are dependent, you may be dependent in different ways. For example, physically, if you have a physical problem and someone needs to care for you. You may be emotionally dependent and spiritually dependent as well. There are other kinds of dependence. We will discuss the emotional aspect, and then we can address the rest. We can have emotional dependence within the family; how does this dependence work? A child is born dependent on the father. The child will need to follow a path to become independent, although they are born dependent. This dependence is initially physical and may become emotional. Everything will depend on the guidance and education the parents provide to the children.

Let us observe a family relationship between a father and a mother, as well as the characteristics that define each of them as aggressive or passive. If a couple has, for example, an aggressive father and a passive mother, the mother already depends on the father's actions, unless the aggressive person falls under the passive person's manipulation, which does not always happen. This example, this model, will cause the children to develop characteristics of dependence.

If you have a family in which the father and mother are very balanced, well defined, organized, and know where they want to go, you will have much healthier children. But the great majority of families do not work this way, and so we end up with people who have a great deal of difficulty. For example, if you have an alcoholic father, you will already face a difficulty because this father will not be a model for you. You will end up dependent because an important item is missing from your life: a model of a man, a model of a father. It will therefore not work. You will find a husband, and this husband will probably also be an alcoholic, or addicted to something, or have the same characteristics as your father.

We end up dependent when we do not have very good models. We are speaking about a family relationship. If the mother is very aggressive, she can do many things in your life, make you dependent, enslave you, subjugate you, and set bad examples; these are situations in which the mother or father knows everything and, in the end, the child knows nothing.

This is something very serious for us to discuss. In the clinical work I do, I observe people who were unable to develop their own identities because their parents prevented them from doing so in order to control them. Our lives are established within certain parameters. Thus, if the "yes" your father says is a "yes" you understand, he can explain what he said; and the "no" he says is also a genuine "no," although it can be clarified. You already begin to form your own identity.

Saying yes is not enough because yes is always easy. The person says, "Look, I want to go to such-and-such place." Yes, you can go; then everything is fine. But when the father says no, he interrupts your continuity, and this interruption, if it has no explanation—because he does not want to explain, because he does not want to know what you think, because "I am your father, and you will be quiet because I have already said no"—causes you to lose your identity because you are not receiving respect from the person who is your model.

The first models are the father and mother, the first models of man and woman. If he says, "Look, son, you are not going..." or "I am saying no to you for this reason," an appropriate tone of voice is important. He is explaining, not arguing or beginning a war of power. "I am your father, and you must be quiet"—that is not how it should be. "Son, sit down, let us talk, and I will explain the reason for the refusal." I consider this very important for the person because the father has just explained. The child may be upset because, for example, a young person wants to do things, but it will not be as great a problem. It has been explained, and later the child will understand that the father was right.

This is extremely important in our lives, as it is with a mother. If the mother says "no" angrily, she is not truly refusing; she is blocking the other person in a destructive way, which is very bad.

You should speak this way: "Look, no, this will not work for you; I will explain why the answer is no." If the person says, "You said 'no,' and I do not want to know," reply, "Please sit here, and I will explain." If it is not possible to explain at that moment, say, "All right, you do not want to listen to me now; when you want to listen, I will be able to explain it to you." You are teaching the person that you are not fighting with them. This "no" is not the misuse of power. Human beings are very good at using power; if you want to know whether a person is good or bad, put power in their hands and you will see what they do with it, because that is how human beings are.

If a human being has power and is stronger, they truly destroy the other person. Then we will say that a tiger is worse than a human being. No; the tiger kills because it needs to eat, but it does not kill someone because it is angry. It kills because it needs food. A human being destroys another person because they want to prove their power, because they can subjugate a fellow human being; that is why there is so much war, and all of this arises from fear. From my point of view, a person who does this is a great coward, the most fearful of all. A dictator is fearful and cowardly.

Freedom is being well. You do not need to confront yourself or prove anything; you need only act according to what you believe, and you will certainly be able to listen to another person and allow them to be what they are. We are talking about dependence, especially within the family context, in the relationship between parents and children and in the characteristics of the father and mother, which are fundamental to children's formation so that they continue evolving and do not dysfunctionally reproduce their parents' patterns.

Then you will say: but I had a very bad father, what do I do now? Or my mother was very passive? Or my mother did not like my father? Or my father did not like my mother? Or my father cheated on my mother? There are as many variables as you could want. If you begin checking, you do not even need to worry because you will write so much that you will ultimately discover that your one, two, or three items are among millions of items. We are human beings, we have our difficulties, and we need to follow a path of growth and make an effort to become better.

Judging another person is not a good idea. They cannot act differently at that moment. You may say, "But they are stubborn and do not want to learn." That is what I am saying: they cannot change. Perhaps they need a push to become different. At that moment, they are caught in their difficulties, in the emotional processes that numb them and prevent them from seeing more clearly.

You say: but I am suffering. Of course you are, if you are now dependent and needy, because one cause of dependence is neediness. If, for example, you did not receive affection from your father or mother, you will seek it outside the home. This search is usually intense, with great force, because you cannot cope. So what do you do? You try to resolve emotional neediness, often through your friendships. A male or female friend thus becomes indispensable to your life because you need someone close to supply what you did not have.

Dependence is triggered in complex ways; organizing it is difficult because of the countless variables involved. We do not imagine how many difficulties people have. Knowing this, you could spend a great deal of your life analyzing it, because there are seven billion people, each forming themselves differently through these reincarnation processes, with every kind of suffering. When we think we have suffered greatly, it is better to look at history and see what has already been done to people; it does not matter whether or not we were involved, but everything has already happened: total misery, total violence.

It is suffering that cannot even be measured. Today, when we have a little stomachache, we say that we are doing very poorly. No, you are not doing very poorly; you merely have a little stomachache. Name it correctly because that even helps resolve it. You go to the physician, the physician examines you, or you take a medication you already know and resolve the issue. In any case, we have a solution.

If you go back one hundred years, there was no solution for anything. In the past, people lost all their teeth. For a woman to marry a man who had teeth, she had to make a great effort—and the reverse was also true. Do you know why? It was not because they did not care for themselves, but because they did not have the resources. There was no dentist in the region. The first dentists worked with a treadle, and the drill was treadle-powered. Imagine someone grinding a tooth with a treadle-powered drill. This happened fifty or sixty years ago.

We now have a very great advantage because technology can give you a new tooth. Everything in us can be replaced. There are some things science has not yet achieved, but it already does many things. I believe that they will soon replace even the body. Is your body not very good? Then we will give you a brand-new body, and you will be able to transfer the spirit to the new body. Although I am joking, I truly believe this.

Our dependence on our siblings, for example, sometimes arouses jealousy. A person cannot even approach the sibling without jealousy arising and may even feel anger toward their own sibling. This is a critical situation. You may think this is not possible, but it is. We know that we want to take possession of the other person; this characterizes dependence. Do you think that only the person trying to possess someone is dependent? The person who is treated as a possession is also dependent. We are speaking about dependence, and we need a clear view.

The person who tries to subjugate another is dependent because they need someone to subjugate, and the person subjected to that control is also dependent. The root of all of this is our fears. We create a defensive structure, but fear is the foundation. When a person is needy, they feel a lack; this lack generates dependence. A needy person is already dependent and is unable to care for themselves, needing someone or something to care for them.

Dependence is not limited to depending on another person; one may depend, for example, on a philosophy, belief, or religion. One may also depend on bets that a particular saint will save one's life. In short, we are full of dependence. In fact, there was a curious case: a person began facing difficulties, and someone told her, "Use this holy card; it represents a very good man, Saint Benedict. Carry it in your wallet, and you will be well." She placed it in her wallet, but one day a problem arose that she could not resolve. Then she looked for another saint and thought, "What if I put two saints together...?"—she eventually had one hundred saints in her wallet.

Imagine the difficulty she faced. We were consulted because of this. She said a prayer to each saint every day. Someone told her, "Look, it is a good idea to pray early in the morning; for example, when you have Saint Benedict with you, say the Lord's Prayer to him. At the end of the day, give thanks and say another Lord's Prayer to Saint Benedict." When she added one more saint, she began saying one prayer to Saint Benedict and another to the other saint, for a total of four prayers. When she added the third saint, the number rose to six. At a certain point, she entered a crisis because she could no longer pray. She was losing her mind and sought help because the situation became very bad.

The solution to the problem is interesting. When she spoke with me, I replied, "Look, I think you are right. If I were you, I would do the following: I would replace all these saints with their boss." She asked, "What do you mean?" I replied, "Their boss is Christ. Christ is the one who allows them to accomplish things. So you need only put Christ in your wallet; you do not need to pray, only say: 'Jesus, give me strength because I need it.'" She asked, "But is that true?" I replied, "I am telling you. Carry Christ, and your life will be resolved." She then said, "Wow, you are relieving me, because I could not take praying anymore."

She took Christ and placed him in her wallet. But look: she was dependent on one saint, then became dependent on one hundred, and then became dependent on Christ. She is transferring responsibility for her life to Christ. Well, that is all right. I stopped there only because it would have been very difficult for her. I truly intended one day to make this person understand that each of us is responsible for ourselves and that we must abandon our dependence if we want to be happy; this is fundamental.